Hot Chanie's Bedroom

Hello again!

Not that it's any of your business of course, but I'm sure you are all DYING to know where Hot Chanie keeps her wide screen TV.
A TV like ours is simply too big to keep hidden in an armoire or behind the doors of that overpriced (but still ug-ly) bookcase from Frankel's like you do at YOUR house.

For those of you who can afford it this also makes the perfect Father's Day gift. I gave it to my hubby for his birthday- I told him he wasn't even allowed to LOOK at the Visa bill this month!
I had planned to order that Hermès Birkin bag (you know that limited edition orange one that costs about $35,000 but is TOTALLY worth it? Of course you do!) while he was was distracted by his new toy but looking at Gabrielle's totally flawless skin in HD on Desperate Housewives reminded me that I was due for a facial appointment and by then I'd already lost interest.

ANYHOO, enjoy the video and try not to be jealous, green is SO not your color.

PS For those of you who are going to get all Judge Judy after watching this vid I'll just tell you in advance that our bed hydraulically separates as well as needed but thanks for your concern.

*HUGS!*

-Hot Chanie

O. M. G. -- Who nominated Hot Chanie for a JIB?

Who would have thought that someone would have nominated Hot Chanie for the best Humor Blog in the JIB awards?

I didn't even know there was such a thing as the "JIB" awards, (or even what it stood for) till I saw a posting on my best friend PsychoToddler's blog.

I must say that I'm tickled a rather expensive shade of pink to have been nominated for this honor, however I can't believe the losers I've been thrown together with.

R’ Pinky Schmeckelstein. If that's not the dumbest name for a blog, then I've gained a size up to 6. (No, I haven't, trust me)

The Way Kasamba Sees It! What the hell is a Kasamba? I scoured the internet to find her blog, and it's closed. She closed her blog, which IMHO, is simply pathetic. Why would anyone vote for a closed blog? She probably couldn't hack the stress.

Hot Chanie. Moi. Share the Love. Vote Hot Chanie. You know what to do.

Bangitout. These guys aren't even a blog, but a website. Who nominated these freaks? Very Jewish sounding, "Bang it out". Right.

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind This blog name is a close tie with Pinky Schmeckelstein for dumbest blog name.

MC Rebbe the Rapping Rabbi. Sounds like something out of Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven. I came upon a Rabbi Rapping, who's droning voice was sermon yapping, tis the voice of the MC Rebbe. Blog: Lame.

NY’s Funniest Rabbi. Sure. The funniest Rabbi in NY is in our shul, when he complimented my 2007 Lexus. He didn't even realize it was leased.

Tsmicha Is this like Tzimmis? Tzitizis? Doesn't sound that funny to me.

Now if you'll excuse me, there's this amazing sale going on now nearby. Normally I don't buy new clothes during sefiras haomer. This is pure torture, since I'm accustomed to buying clothes on a weekly basis, but I saw a simply adorable skirt on sale which would be a crime not to grab.

*Hugs*

EMAIL!

Dear Shifra isn't the only one who gets mail you know, I also gets loads of email.

I love the attention of course, but it's the same things over and over again.

And it's getting OLD, people!

The women want to know how to be like me, or hate me for for being beautiful - like on that Pantene commercial (both the shampoo AND the commercials are both personal faves!)

Some men who write me want to give me mussar while the rest just want me!
And I don't know what's worse! Nebach. Totally.

Anyway, if you wrote to me and I didn't answer you, I want to say I'm sorry.
I have a life you know and I can't spend all day on the computer like some of you.

Men: based on the emails I've received from you I don't think there is ANYTHING I could possibly write here the would help you except maybe to tell you to get off the computer, take a shower, and give your wife some attention. If you paid half as much attention to her as you do to blogging or sending me email, and made her feel a little better about herself, then maybe she could be a Hot Chanie too someday (maybe!)

So here are some tips from yours truly for the ladies.

Looking good IS my job and it should be yours as well. It takes time and effort, and yes money, but aren't you worth it?! (another commercial!)

1. Comfortable is not fashionable.

Snoods might be comfortable (the only time I ever wore one was in the maternity ward giving birth and believe me I was NOT comfortable!) and tichels might be the in thing but ladies (and trust me on this) you do NOT look good look good in snoods or tichels. You look like you belong in a hospital or a nursing home. Check out your shoes too, rubber soles are a total no-no unless you're at the gym (and I hope you work out at the gum at least twice a week, as Hot Chanie does).

2. I HAVE to ask, why do so many Frum women look like they are stuck in the 80's?

Don't you know that NO ONE is wearing a bob with thick bangs anymore? Shoulder pads? Boxy Cardigans? Blazers? Blue eyeliner? Come ON people. If you don't feel comfortable in anything but a sack then PLEASE get some help. I'd give you the name of my personal trainer, but she's booked till after Pesach (can you say F-L-O-R-I-D-A?)

Pick up a few fashion magazines to flip through while you work out. Sure a lot of the fashions are anything but tznius but with a little imagination you can "make it work." DH makes fun of me for subscribing to so many magazines - he says they are all the same! But that doesn't seem to stop him from checking them out when he thinks I'm not looking!

OK I have to go now. Keep emailing, but at least please TRY to be interesting.

Have a wonderful shabbos!

*Hugs*

Hot Chanie

Who is Hot Chanie?

Prey Tell!
Show and Tell.
William Tell.
For whom the blog tells.
If the Bible tells you so (fav song)
Every Picture tells a story.

There are so many posts I want to write, but I really have to take the kids to soccer practice now.

Do you know how hard it is writing this blog AND being married to Jack?

Toodles,

HC.

Blogosphere Bad Actors?

And we know who HE is. I've been lurking around for a while,
and I've found that there's only who who is so full of, himself, and
that directs derogatory invective towards everyone not on his
current short list of friends.

Some say that he is masquerading as me, but I don't believe he's nearly
that clever.

The easiest way to discern between us, is that I shower regularly.

Better Red than Dead?

It isn't an easy task keeping up with PsychoToddler (tm).

Seems like everywhere I go, he just has to name-drop, "What would Hot-Chanie (tm) say?" And my latest best friend (also tm, credit to my blog hero, the Renegade Rebbitzen, may she return to blogging soon, bimheira biyameinu. But the point of this was to show that I'm giving CREDIT where credit is due, unlike my non-best-friend, and totally awful actor of the entire Blogosphere DovWeaselie, or DovieWeasel, or whatever his name is. But that's not the point of this.) RaggedyMom, I really feel for her, since this posting is basically because of her.

See, underneath my obviously hot sheitel, is more blonde hair. Yet, RaggedyMom strikes me as a redhead. The following article from Yedioth Achronoth sent to me by an Israeli reader who wishes to remain anonymous (though let's just say he has a rather unique name) really got my goat.

Kosher haredi dress: Nix everything tight or red

Posters hung throughout Bnei Brak urge women to only buy loose-fitting clothes, avoid red colored garbs. Increasingly popular secular fashions worrying rabbis who respond with battle to cover bulges .

The posters call for women to only purchase clothes from the 30 approved stores as these establishments comply with the strict laws and regulations of haredi religion. (Apparently,this was also mentioned on chic-blogger Orthomom's site as well)

So what's a dear like RaggedyMom supposed to do? Dye her hair (and sheitel) techeiles-blue? Perhaps royal mishkan-purple? Get a different sheitel that's not red? How dreadful!

RaggedyMom, all I can offer you is my bracha that you and your husband enjoy your red hair. If anyone starts up with you, just let me know.

Hot Chanie can handle almost anyone or anything, let alone a redophobic bully.

Basking in the Limelight, and running for cover!

I must admit, I was all wrong about Shifra. She's gallantly defended me on her latest posting, and I now see I'm being noticed all over the blog-universe.

From Ask Shifra the great (as the Renegade Rebbitzen might say, my first best friend!) to the ultra-chic Orthomom to the cool girls at Jewbiquitous; the spotlight seems to have focused on me.

But that's probably not very tzniusdik to be talked about everywhere, is it?

With the Rabbonim going after blogs, and now the Gedolim going after fashion, I wonder why they don't pull out some of their wedding albums and take a good look at the pictures.

My Bubby and Zaidey were married in a very frum wedding (and why not?) with many esteemed rabbonim and gedolim present. Some of the rebbetzins at the time even wore shorter skirts than I wear today! Some of the women there didn't completely cover their hair! (A Shanda? A Boosha!)

And yet, they weren't ostracized by the tznius police today, or shot at with bleach guns in the streets of Yerushalayim.

Don't know what to say anymore....should I just stop going to the gym, dress like a frumpter, let myself go, and lower my self esteem? Is that what they want from me?

"Kol Kevuda Bas Melech Pinima" means I should be not seen, not heard, locked away, uneducated, and objectified to males to the point that I have no mind, and I'm purely a sexual satanic creature, or piece of meat, that needs to be kept under wraps?

The distance of the position of our gedolim to that Moslem preacher is not far apart.

He said because if she had not left the meat uncovered, the cat wouldn’t have snatched it. If you get a kilo of meat, and you don’t put it in the fridge or in the pot or in the kitchen but you leave it on a plate in the backyard, and then you have a fight with the neighbour because his cats eat the meat, you’re crazy. Isn’t this true? If you take uncovered meat and put it on the street, on the pavement, in a garden, in a park, or in the backyard, without a cover and the cats eat it, then whose fault will it be, the cats, or the uncovered meat’s? The uncovered meat is the disaster. If the meat was covered the cats wouldn’t roam around it. If the meat is inside the fridge, they won’t get it. If the woman is in her boudoir, in her house and if she’s wearing the veil and if she shows modesty, disasters don’t happen.”

I don't have a hechsher on my blog, but I guess it's only a matter of time before I'm forced to wear one on my tush. (And stop staring, or the tznius police will come after me, and not you)