Hot Chanie to the Rescue

As Rabbi (dress to express your inner spirituality) Safran and
The Godol (I hate sheitles, but don't tell my wife) Hador prepare for battle I feel like I MUST interceed! The answer to your problem is SO simple that only Hot Chanie can save the day.

Boys, boys, boys...

You are both so confused it's not even funny! Expecting a woman (especially one with lovely locks like mine) to cover her hair is asking a lot! Just ask Shifra and she'll give you a whole list of complaints about it - you won't hear ME complain because as any Hot Chanie will tell you a good sheitle is every woman's best friend!

The sheitle is the ultimate accessory, allowing a married woman to be both super-modest (by covering her hair) and super-hot (by covering it with something so much sexier than her own mouse-brown frizz.)

If *I* launched a line of sheitel you'd better believe they'd SMOKE anything Mrs. S is offering. Here are just some of my great ideas:

Hot Chanie Sheitles: As frum and hot as you wanna be!

The Buffy

Morah Heter

The Hot Rebbitzen

And of course:

The Mikvah Night (Custom only)

Judaism to split into 2 races?

Feeling inadequate? Not me!

Reading this fascinating story really piqued my curiousity.

Evolutionary theorist Oliver Curry of the London School of Economics expects a genetic upper class and a dim-witted underclass to emerge.

The human race would peak in the year 3000, he said - before a decline due to dependence on technology.

People would become choosier about their partners, causing humanity to divide into sub-species, he added.

The descendants of the genetic upper class would be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent, and creative and a far cry from the "underclass" humans who would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures.

But in the nearer future, humans will evolve in 1,000 years into giants between 6ft and 7ft tall, he predicts, while life-spans will have extended to 120 years, Dr. Curry claims.

Physical appearance, driven by indicators of health, youth and fertility, will improve, he says, while men will exhibit symmetrical facial features, look athletic, and have squarer jaws, deeper voices and bigger [ahem, male anatomy].

Women, on the other hand, will develop lighter, smooth, hairless skin, large clear eyes, glossy hair, and even features, he adds. (BBC)

This reaffirms what I've been saying all along. Hot Chanie's will totally rule. I can already count myself in the physical group above, and hubby isn't that far from it either (he's 6 ft 2")

Even though my DH says every week, "sheker hachen vihevell hayofee", I know he's happy with my personal chen and yofee.

The unfortunate part of the article is all the ugly gnomes who are going to be running around. You can already figure out who's going to be in which group just by scanning the women's section in shul over shabbos.

Depressing for them [but not for me!]

Hugs!

HC

You go girl!!! Even if you DO drive an Impala....

Hot Chanie knows that not everyone can be beautiful, hot, and fashionable but at least you can be proud of who you ARE!

A big part of being Hot Chanie is having the confidence to not allow other people's opinions or judgements to change you or hurt you. I know people just LOVE judge me and my fashionable friends as they look and point with their mouths hanging open like fishheads on the Rosh Ha'Shana table.

But even all the staring and snickering seems like a joke when you read about poor Toby Greenberg in Kiryas Yoel. This woman is wears an out-of-the-box wig, denim skirts and long sleeved shirts, she drives an Impala, she named her kid ZLATY for crying out loud!! What do they want from this woman!!!??? The whole story would be sad enough even if she wasn't being threatened by a bunch of closed minded bolvanim who think they own KY and everyone in it.

ANYWAY read the article (below) feel lucky you don't live in KY, and appreciate women like Toby who can stand proud even in a bright pink shirt. You GO Girl!

-HC

Times Herald-Record September 07, 2007
Kiryas Joel — A native of this Satmar Hasidic village, Toby Greenberg is not unfamiliar with the strict mores of her ultra-Orthodox community.
But she never expected to be persecuted for choosing to dress slightly differently.
Unlike most Kiryas Joel women, who wear long, dark dresses or skirts and simple blouses in public, Greenberg, 25, wears colorful shirts, wigs and denim skirts.
And that, in the eyes of a clandestine group of inquisitors, constitutes immoral behavior.
Greenberg and her husband, Yoel, awoke Tuesday morning to find the tires of their silver Chevy Impala slashed and white oil-based paint splashed on their new, black Mazda CX-7.
Written in white paint on the Mazda were Hebrew words that Greenberg interpreted in English as "get out" and "defiled person."
State police Sgt. Warner Hein said troopers are treating the incident as criminal mischief and are interviewing residents for potential leads.
Troopers are also investigating another incident that occurred about a month ago, in which fliers slandering Greenberg were thrown on Kiryas Joel's streets.
Just before this week's vandalism, Greenberg and her husband received several letters — one was hand-delivered by a Hasidic man.
The man told them that he and 24 other men have decided that the couple should leave Kiryas Joel immediately.
"He had a lot of guts coming up here in person," Yoel said.
Kiryas Joel, a village in the Town of Monroe, is populated by about 20,000 observant Satmar Hasidic Jews.
Kiryas Joel residents hold fast to strict customs considered by many other Hasidim as outdated or archaic.
The Greenbergs said they do not believe that their persecutors are representative of Kiryas Joel, but are rather a fringe group of radicals who have taken it upon themselves to make an example of them.
The couple at first suspected the attacks to be the work of Vaad Hatznius, the equivalent of a morality police group in the village.
But when Toby's family confronted members of the group, they denied responsibility for the acts, she said.
Still, Vaad Hatznius has been suspected of acting through other agents of the community to achieve its ends, she said.
Speaking with a reporter yesterday, Toby wore a bright pink Tommy Hilfiger long-sleeved shirt, a denim skirt with ruffles at the knees and a wig with a copper tint.
Yoel, who works in construction, stood by her, as their 1-year-old daughter, Zlaty, played.
The couple at first thought about ignoring the threats, but changed their minds after their cars were vandalized.
"I want these people arrested," Toby said.
"I want them to pay for my damaged property and to pay for what they are putting my family through."
Professor Sam Heilman, an expert in Hasidic culture at the City University of New York, said Toby Greenberg's plight is not unusual given Kiryas Joel's suspiciousness of change, no matter how slight.
"The whole image she is projecting with her clothing is that of someone who's at home in the modern world, and there are many who are afraid of that in Kiryas Joel," he said.

Hot Chanie's Bedroom

Hello again!

Not that it's any of your business of course, but I'm sure you are all DYING to know where Hot Chanie keeps her wide screen TV.
A TV like ours is simply too big to keep hidden in an armoire or behind the doors of that overpriced (but still ug-ly) bookcase from Frankel's like you do at YOUR house.

For those of you who can afford it this also makes the perfect Father's Day gift. I gave it to my hubby for his birthday- I told him he wasn't even allowed to LOOK at the Visa bill this month!
I had planned to order that Hermès Birkin bag (you know that limited edition orange one that costs about $35,000 but is TOTALLY worth it? Of course you do!) while he was was distracted by his new toy but looking at Gabrielle's totally flawless skin in HD on Desperate Housewives reminded me that I was due for a facial appointment and by then I'd already lost interest.

ANYHOO, enjoy the video and try not to be jealous, green is SO not your color.

PS For those of you who are going to get all Judge Judy after watching this vid I'll just tell you in advance that our bed hydraulically separates as well as needed but thanks for your concern.

*HUGS!*

-Hot Chanie

O. M. G. -- Who nominated Hot Chanie for a JIB?

Who would have thought that someone would have nominated Hot Chanie for the best Humor Blog in the JIB awards?

I didn't even know there was such a thing as the "JIB" awards, (or even what it stood for) till I saw a posting on my best friend PsychoToddler's blog.

I must say that I'm tickled a rather expensive shade of pink to have been nominated for this honor, however I can't believe the losers I've been thrown together with.

R’ Pinky Schmeckelstein. If that's not the dumbest name for a blog, then I've gained a size up to 6. (No, I haven't, trust me)

The Way Kasamba Sees It! What the hell is a Kasamba? I scoured the internet to find her blog, and it's closed. She closed her blog, which IMHO, is simply pathetic. Why would anyone vote for a closed blog? She probably couldn't hack the stress.

Hot Chanie. Moi. Share the Love. Vote Hot Chanie. You know what to do.

Bangitout. These guys aren't even a blog, but a website. Who nominated these freaks? Very Jewish sounding, "Bang it out". Right.

Shpitzle Shtrimpkind This blog name is a close tie with Pinky Schmeckelstein for dumbest blog name.

MC Rebbe the Rapping Rabbi. Sounds like something out of Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven. I came upon a Rabbi Rapping, who's droning voice was sermon yapping, tis the voice of the MC Rebbe. Blog: Lame.

NY’s Funniest Rabbi. Sure. The funniest Rabbi in NY is in our shul, when he complimented my 2007 Lexus. He didn't even realize it was leased.

Tsmicha Is this like Tzimmis? Tzitizis? Doesn't sound that funny to me.

Now if you'll excuse me, there's this amazing sale going on now nearby. Normally I don't buy new clothes during sefiras haomer. This is pure torture, since I'm accustomed to buying clothes on a weekly basis, but I saw a simply adorable skirt on sale which would be a crime not to grab.

*Hugs*

EMAIL!

Dear Shifra isn't the only one who gets mail you know, I also gets loads of email.

I love the attention of course, but it's the same things over and over again.

And it's getting OLD, people!

The women want to know how to be like me, or hate me for for being beautiful - like on that Pantene commercial (both the shampoo AND the commercials are both personal faves!)

Some men who write me want to give me mussar while the rest just want me!
And I don't know what's worse! Nebach. Totally.

Anyway, if you wrote to me and I didn't answer you, I want to say I'm sorry.
I have a life you know and I can't spend all day on the computer like some of you.

Men: based on the emails I've received from you I don't think there is ANYTHING I could possibly write here the would help you except maybe to tell you to get off the computer, take a shower, and give your wife some attention. If you paid half as much attention to her as you do to blogging or sending me email, and made her feel a little better about herself, then maybe she could be a Hot Chanie too someday (maybe!)

So here are some tips from yours truly for the ladies.

Looking good IS my job and it should be yours as well. It takes time and effort, and yes money, but aren't you worth it?! (another commercial!)

1. Comfortable is not fashionable.

Snoods might be comfortable (the only time I ever wore one was in the maternity ward giving birth and believe me I was NOT comfortable!) and tichels might be the in thing but ladies (and trust me on this) you do NOT look good look good in snoods or tichels. You look like you belong in a hospital or a nursing home. Check out your shoes too, rubber soles are a total no-no unless you're at the gym (and I hope you work out at the gum at least twice a week, as Hot Chanie does).

2. I HAVE to ask, why do so many Frum women look like they are stuck in the 80's?

Don't you know that NO ONE is wearing a bob with thick bangs anymore? Shoulder pads? Boxy Cardigans? Blazers? Blue eyeliner? Come ON people. If you don't feel comfortable in anything but a sack then PLEASE get some help. I'd give you the name of my personal trainer, but she's booked till after Pesach (can you say F-L-O-R-I-D-A?)

Pick up a few fashion magazines to flip through while you work out. Sure a lot of the fashions are anything but tznius but with a little imagination you can "make it work." DH makes fun of me for subscribing to so many magazines - he says they are all the same! But that doesn't seem to stop him from checking them out when he thinks I'm not looking!

OK I have to go now. Keep emailing, but at least please TRY to be interesting.

Have a wonderful shabbos!

*Hugs*

Hot Chanie

Who is Hot Chanie?

Prey Tell!
Show and Tell.
William Tell.
For whom the blog tells.
If the Bible tells you so (fav song)
Every Picture tells a story.

There are so many posts I want to write, but I really have to take the kids to soccer practice now.

Do you know how hard it is writing this blog AND being married to Jack?

Toodles,

HC.

Blogosphere Bad Actors?

And we know who HE is. I've been lurking around for a while,
and I've found that there's only who who is so full of, himself, and
that directs derogatory invective towards everyone not on his
current short list of friends.

Some say that he is masquerading as me, but I don't believe he's nearly
that clever.

The easiest way to discern between us, is that I shower regularly.

Better Red than Dead?

It isn't an easy task keeping up with PsychoToddler (tm).

Seems like everywhere I go, he just has to name-drop, "What would Hot-Chanie (tm) say?" And my latest best friend (also tm, credit to my blog hero, the Renegade Rebbitzen, may she return to blogging soon, bimheira biyameinu. But the point of this was to show that I'm giving CREDIT where credit is due, unlike my non-best-friend, and totally awful actor of the entire Blogosphere DovWeaselie, or DovieWeasel, or whatever his name is. But that's not the point of this.) RaggedyMom, I really feel for her, since this posting is basically because of her.

See, underneath my obviously hot sheitel, is more blonde hair. Yet, RaggedyMom strikes me as a redhead. The following article from Yedioth Achronoth sent to me by an Israeli reader who wishes to remain anonymous (though let's just say he has a rather unique name) really got my goat.

Kosher haredi dress: Nix everything tight or red

Posters hung throughout Bnei Brak urge women to only buy loose-fitting clothes, avoid red colored garbs. Increasingly popular secular fashions worrying rabbis who respond with battle to cover bulges .

The posters call for women to only purchase clothes from the 30 approved stores as these establishments comply with the strict laws and regulations of haredi religion. (Apparently,this was also mentioned on chic-blogger Orthomom's site as well)

So what's a dear like RaggedyMom supposed to do? Dye her hair (and sheitel) techeiles-blue? Perhaps royal mishkan-purple? Get a different sheitel that's not red? How dreadful!

RaggedyMom, all I can offer you is my bracha that you and your husband enjoy your red hair. If anyone starts up with you, just let me know.

Hot Chanie can handle almost anyone or anything, let alone a redophobic bully.